I Suck and Other Things I Learn At Retreats

I just came back from a CRU retreat this weekend. It was in downtown Miami at a Hilton with lots of pretty colors and dogs running around homeless people in neighboring parks. So pretty much it was a lot like Miami. It was a lot of fun and, more importantly, a community of believers was being formed and re-formed in preparation of a return to campus, which is awesome.

I go into retreats always assuming I'm going to learn something new. "Oh, God, you are so great. You send me to, like, a billion retreats, functions, seminars, community meetings, and church events a year and I learn something different at every single one! At this rate I'll know everything and be HOLIER THAN THOU in, like, 4 months!" I tell God, who listens with one of those apprehensive looks that my dad gives me when I tell him I'm having so much fun AND, oh yeah, doing well in school. I'm such a good Christian.

This year, God laughed at me and taught me about community. So I went through the weekend pretty bummed. I was all like, "God, c'mon bro. I KNOW about how I need community. Acts 2:42 man! Plus, I just taught about community in both my college AND my high school small groups that I co-lead this week. THE EXACT SAME THING! Why in the world are you speaking to me about forming community?"

Yesterday after taking the metro home and sitting down on my couch (the cable was out so I couldn't watch the Dolphins game, thanks Comcast) I realized what God was trying to teach me. In reflection and prayer and came out with two extremely valuable lessons: that I suck and that my community is not my safe haven.

I Suck

It's hard not to get full of yourself sometimes. When your faith is the most important thing in your life, when you co-lead bible studies and small groups up the wazoo, or when you volunteer 10 hours a week or more to ministry, it's easy to fall into the mindset that everything is peachy and God is soooooooo very proud of me.

The speaker at the retreat this weekend was really smart, some multiple PhD guy or something. He had a huge impact on everybody at the session on Saturday morning when he challenged us to ask ourselves what we fear. This could be a very scary question. The fact of the matter is I think some of my insecurities came about and next thing I knew I was fairly emotional about the fact that I don't have it all together.

I'm getting into my next point a bit but Jesus didn't hang out with priests and holy people and whatnot. He associated with tax collectors and beggars and prostitutes and other people that I myself probably wouldn't want to hang out with, sadly. As the rapper Cy Hi Da Prynce says in the G.O.O.D. Music song Sin City: "I know who Christ is/And he never hung with the Saints/It makes no sense to save the righteous"

Jesus hangs out with me today not because I'm awesome or because I pray a lot or because I listen to worship music sometimes. He hangs out with me because I'm broken and because I need Him. He hangs out with me because I suck.

My Community Is Not My Safe Haven

I thought I knew about community--I literally spend half of my ministry pounding it into people's heads that they need a Christian community to support their faith and find the acceptance that humans are wired to search for. But I learned (or re-learned) that my Christian community is not the place I run to to feel the most comfortable about myself. It is not the place that allows me to escape all of my problems: it is the place that my problems are confronted and I am reminded that I suck and that Jesus knows that I suck and that He loves me anyway.

A lot of people use the fact that Jesus hung out with all these lower class peeps for their argument to be in a community with non-believers rather than other Christians. I think of it this way: everybody in our Christian community are the tax collectors and the prostitutes. If that is the case, why do we assume that we're safe? Is it because we don't listen to rap music, we tithe 10% to the church, don't curse, and don't drink alcohol or smoke whatever makes us feel good? Because that's not the picture a Christian community should be. A Christian community is a gathering of people who know they're screwed up and accepts the fact that Jesus forgives us for this.

A verse that we discussed in both my high school and college small group this week was Hebrews 10:24, which reads: And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works (ESV). The largest part of the discussion rested on the phrase "stir up one another". God doesn't tell us to just affirm each other, be kind to each other, or keep challenging ideas and beliefs under the table for peachy community. He tells us to stir one another up: in other words, for us to truly love each other, we must bring about discomfort and really challenge each other in our faiths.

Where I thought my community in CRU at the University of Miami was for feeling more comfortable and accepted for my faith and to escape the temptation of non-believers, the true reason God gave it to me is for me to be bring up all those things that make me suck so I can be affirmed and forgiven. We are a relational people--the concept of grace is meant to be brought upon us between more than one person. We cannot grow in our faith on our own; we must look to people to truly care for us and are willing to help us heal.

So the moral of the story here is this: Christians don't have perfect morals, don't live perfect lives, and don't share perfect community. The fact that all of these parts of our being are NOT perfect is what makes Christians Christians in the first place. So stop thinking that you've got it all together, stop thinking that you've found a group of people (Christians or not) that are there to make you feel better about yourself, and stop thinking that we are better than anybody else. It's time to realize that true love is not easy; it’s difficult and challenging and COMPLETELY rewarding. It might seem counter-intuitive but try it; I promise it works, I've seen it in action.

Think about this: why do you turn to the community you are a part of (whether it’s Christian or not), and what do you look to get out of that community? Have you ever considered that you were designed to be a community that knows you who really are and loves you anyway despite that?

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--Ty